My Mission

I have decided to take you on a ride. As I spend the last year of my 30s, I will take you with me. That’s right. This year, I am 39. 3---9. Hard for me to say it without choking up. I hate admitting it, and I’d rather not think about it. But hey, isn’t it the new 29? Yeah right.

Mortified and in deep denial, I realized the best way for me to deal with this crisis is to face it head on. That if I were to grow older gracefully like many of the classy ladies I so admire (Lauren Hutton, Diane Lane, Diane Keaton), I better accept it. And I better hustle.

So I want to relish my 39th year by celebrating it as best as I could every day. I want to make each day purpose-driven. Of course deep down I will be horrified, fearful and depressed from time to time, but I really do want my 39th year to matter. Really matter. I am not discounting that I did manage to improve the last 2 decades. But somehow there was no urgency. I guess the saying, "Youth is wasted on the young" finally makes sense to me. I always thought I'd be that cool older lady...the one that doesn't sweat her age. But now that the big 4-0 is around the corner, I do feel some dampness on my forehead. WHAT HAVE I BEEN DOING THE PAST 39 years?!!

Major or minor changes, they are all stuff that I’ve been carrying around with me for a long time. I just don't want that weight on me anymore. Because it's not about growing up and becoming oh so mature for me. What it is, is "me" growing better.

So at least every week, I will candidly share with you my adventures in attempting to become a better version of me. And as my birthday is November 5, I only have 9 months and 4 days left. By the time I am blowing 40 candles, I sure hope that aside from the fire extinguisher, I carry with me that confidence that I am yet to reach my prime.

Wish me luck.

Monday, February 8, 2010

I Take My Sorry Back

(8 months and 26 days)

I refuse to apologize for who I am anymore.
The Quick and the Dead
I have spent almost all of my life being uncomfortable almost all the time.
I remember a distinct moment a few years ago when I was still at my second job in New York. This was before I discovered the luxury of pedicure spas and all that girly stuff. It was a summer day and I was out to lunch with one of my BFF co-workers. I got into a casual conversation with two other co-workers that we passed by---one who was my old work partner, and the other one, someone who've actually in a way stolen my old work partner from me (long story. I really don't care about it anymore to elaborate). It was really like running into an ex who is now playing Happily Ever Aftter with a new lover.
As we were talking, I could see this one girl (the thief) glance down at my feet, staring at it. Now I was wearing a leather Birkenstock kind of vibed sandals at the time (trust me, it was cool then. I had a quirky look.). I know my feet were unpolished, but they were by no means scary or ugly. She looked at them in a way that conveyed a certain measure, a sizing up, judging me from my dry feet (side story: I was working 18 to 20 hour days and had no time for a proper pedicure).

I felt very little at that moment. I felt like the size of a nickel on the ground. Does that even make sense to me now? No. But back then, her eyes looked down with such snobbery that I still feel the sting when I think about it.

I swore never to put myself in that position again. I swore never to give anyone that much power over me again. Easier said that done.

Years later, I do still walk around with a bit of discomfort in my own skin. But at the rate I am going, I may never have fun if I keep this up. I mean "fully" have fun and be fully present. For when will I ever really be "perfect" enough?
So from now on I will take it easy on myself with my endless self-judgments and perusals. I will try with all my might to be proud of who I am and what I've grown up to be. I will LOVE ME. Bed head and all.
"Take it or take a hike."
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1 comment:

  1. AnonymousFebruary 16, 2010 at 2:04 AM

    Enjoy reading your blog & this inspires me! I am sure you will have a better day each day. Miss you Van!

    ReplyDelete

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